Understanding ADHD

ADHD is something a person is born with, and it can make those of us who have it more likely to make mistakes. Consequently, we can also become very sensitive to rejection over time. When this sensitivity to rejection significantly impacts our mood and self-image, it is called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.

A child who makes more mistakes gets corrected by others more often. It seems like everyone has something critical to say! We develop an understanding that we are less-than, even in very significant ways.

Somewhere deep down, we still hold on to a few beautiful moments when we felt seen and valid; important and affirmed. We build an identity for ourselves around creativity, humor, wit, or athletic accomplishments.  

It would be one thing if we’d simply received neutral messages or limited messages about ourselves, but receiving near-constant corrections means that we actually received mostly negative messages about ourselves. Our child heart was likely inundated with the opinions of powerful people and peers who confirmed that there was something especially wrong with us.

We are left knowing that we are different, but we don’t know how.

Rejection Sensitivity Defined

This is the beginning of rejection sensitivity. Like any other resilient child, we carved out for ourselves an identity based on accomplishment, hoping no one ever touched the areas we were less confident in. 

…But they did. And they do. And they will again.

Think of it this way: Rejection is HIGHLY stimulating. When it comes to rejection, our stimulation-seeking brains can be like a wild party-goer on a bender. We will impulsively seek the next source of anything interesting, hoping for a dopamine hit. But at some point in the wild weekend (or maybe Monday morning), the bender has to end. The brain has to come home to a house that is hopefully accepting and accommodating – The Self.

Finally slowing down means finding ourselves again. This process involves applying the salve of our own kindness and acceptance gently to the wounds of rejection. It means affirming and validating our own existence yet again within ourselves and for ourselves.

But wait, if a person has experienced so much rejection throughout their entire life, shouldn’t they just be immune to it by now??

Shouldn’t I Be Immune to Rejection?

This is a great question!  I like to think of our inner relationship like this: You start out in life with a pile of blocks and a goal to build a tower that is tall and strong and will last your lifetime. As a child, you start building the tower’s foundation, but then a parent walks in and accidentally kicks through your careful arrangement. You repair it, but then a sibling steals a block and knocks over a portion of the structure. You stay strong and devoted to your cause and add a few more rows to the building…. And then the neighbor kid comes in and knocks over half of it. This process continues throughout your life. Two steps forward, one step back – or maybe three! By adulthood, you’ve become pretty dang sensitive to anyone coming in to knock over your tower. And you should be!  …Right?

Maybe.

In this metaphor, the tower represents your sense of self. It’s your deep, heart-level relationship with your inner being. It’s who you are. How you know the person inside you. As you can imagine, it takes a lot of executive function to build this tower and to refine and develop yourself. You have to slow down, self-manage, regulate emotions, and do many other difficult tasks to become a mature, well-managed, adult human. 

Let’s extend the metaphor a bit to be more realistic. We don’t get to just leave these towers of self in a locked room that is safe and protected. We have to carry these towers of self with us throughout our daily lives. We’re balancing and defending them in the middle of rush hour traffic, at our jobs, at the water cooler, in texts and emails – Everywhere! There are hazards around almost every corner!

Powerful Rejection

Rejection from peers is especially powerful. Almost everyone longs for acceptance and to feel competent at their jobs. Likewise, we want to be regarded as equals and capable of the social skills it takes to remain viable parts of our peer group. 

Inevitability, someone will knock into our tower. By adulthood, most of us have cobbled together enough glue, toothpicks, and duct tape to hold the structure in place, but we still hurt deeply when we encounter non-acceptance.

If all of this is sounding like navel-gazing, you’re right. It kind of is. Every human has to erect their own tower, but we don’t all wind up feeling so defensive and sensitive. 

But we also don’t all face neurodivergence.

The struggle is extra hard for the neurodivergent person for reasons already mentioned (and more). And, social norms don’t usually take into account how different issues impact different people differently.  

Why Dysphoria?

When we experience multiple rejection cycles throughout our lives, we can start to dwell on rejection and even start rejecting ourselves! When we give too much significance to rejection, we can develop Rejection-Sensitivity Dysphoria.  Dysphoria is “a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction.”

Managing Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria means taking the following steps:

1. Recognize when it’s happening. Awareness is half the battle.
2. Affirm, validate, and encourage yourself while practicing restraint in your outward actions.
3. Practice thought stopping or self-slowing. See my video [here] Regulate your mental activity downward.
4. Beware of rumination and brooding. These will happen, and that’s OK, but limit them and avoid acting on them.
5. Avoid acting impulsively. You’ve probably got some wild ideas about what you’d like to say or do to the person who rejected you. Practice restraint.
6. Periodically assess how much mental energy is going to thinking about the rejection. Divert energy elsewhere if possible to regain control,
7. As you calm down, look for subtle ways you may have unintentionally contributed to the rejection. Learn from them without kicking yourself for what you couldn’t see. Take responsibility if appropriate.
8. Avoid taking it too-too-too seriously! It was offensive, and you have a right to be offended. But stewing on an offense will only poison your own well. 
9. Consider addressing the rejection calmly with an I-feel statement. “I feel hurt when you ____. Please don’t do that.”  (If appropriate, add “I want you to ____ so we can get along.”)
10. Practice your creative outlet. Play your instrument, paint, draw, doodle, garden, hit a golf ball – whatever it is! This will remind you of the things you do well and bring you back to the parts of you that you like, sans rejection.
11. You’re a creative, unique and intelligent individual. You can figure out many more ways to help yourself manage this! Many of the articles linked in this post have more suggestions that you might find helpful.Reach out to a professional if needed. (And if you were to ever find yourself in a mental health crisis, dial 9-8-8 or 9-1-1 for immediate help!)

Get Help for ADHD Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

I work with creative professionals across Georgia who deal with Anxiety, ADHD, or Autism (Level 1). If you’d like help with these or related issues, give me a call at 770-615-6300.

You can also schedule a session here. I offer both telehealth and in-person sessions, and I’m in-network with Aetna insurance and Lyra EAP. I also provide paperwork if you want to file with your out-of-network insurance.